Insecurity and Vulnerability

There's a thin line between insecurity and vulnerability. One tends to get out of control and manifests itself most unattractively. The other is secretly charming. It's a secret because you often have to know the other person well for it to be revealed. Charming because, well, it's like finding out Spiderman is Peter Parker.

It's difficult to tell which is which.

I think I'm insecure when I say stuff to get assurance. I'm insecure when I put other people down. I'm insecure when I refuse to believe that I am enough.

I'm vulnerable sometimes when I'm by myself at night. I'm vulnerable when people show kindness that I do not deserve. I'm vulnerable when I expect too much.

When I'm insecure I act out on people. I force answers out of them, answers that I want to hear. I'm unable to grasp logic. When I'm vulnerable, I'm most logical. I keep to myself and become really contemplative.

So. Part of growing up is dealing with your demons. Granted I think I'm a cheery person, I have no less crazy going inside my head than the average dude. I want to stop fueling my insecurity because most of the time it only offers temporary relief from the things that are bothering me. I will figure out what they are and fix them and maybe then, I can find happiness that comes from within.