Something Wrong

I know I'd regret this when I feel happier. But now I just need somewhere to vomit.

There is truly something wrong with me and my inability to connect with people. There's something wrong with my life in general and I think I'm old enough to see it, just too blind to it to correct it.

My phone's off. I'm not going on MSN. You can't contact me. So there!

There was once I thought I could go places with looks. And I don't look that bad. I've been doing this completely stupid, superficial thing (let's not talk about self-worth) where I've been asking people to NAME people who are better looking than me. And obviously it's only a handful. The WORST part of it is now I actually don't have it. It's deteriorating as we speak because I'm trying to focus on intellectual stuff. Like school work.

I'm now fucking pissed because of school work. I can't believe one can go from such a high to such a low in moments. With regards to the same thing!

I need a break. I've been telling my friends that I don't give a rat's ass if I get an F now. I really don't care. I just need this semester to be over. I cannot handle it any more. I don't know how other people do it. Either they don't have a life, don't try hard enough to have a life, are doing what they like, or this is just too easy for them.

I'm now thinking of giving tuition as a full-time job and quitting school. It sounds like an awesome option. After all I could earn about 130 dollars a day, and I probably have to work about 4 days a week and I could get 2000+ a month! That's not bad for 3 days off.

Lyon told me that I should stop giving tuition. I guess that's true. I've got too much on my hands, which is probably why I feel that I'm not coping. Funny how, with regards to this, only him saying it gets through to me.

Deadlines are important to any good story. Or narrative structure of a movie if you think about it. Birthdays, meetings, parties, celebrations, work, fucking expiry dates on pineapple cans... all coming together and crashing down at one shot. Even better for drama if you've got all different aspects of your life in trouble together (like a real fucking orchestra) - love, friendship, academic, financial, physical...

I feel like I'd make an excellent character.

I don't understand why I've always been rather optimistic and happy and now I'm just... not.

Believe me, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's not effective. And I don't do things that aren't effective. Bugger off. It's just these things that I'm feeling and these things that I'm thinking.

I'm breaking apart. It feels like Humpty Dumpty. And all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again. It hurts. I'm angry, pained, frustrated and I can't think of any one to turn to.

I don't trust any one to deal with me right now.

I don't trust myself around anyone.