Ris Low

Dear Ris Low,

I know that we shouldn't judge people, so I, Mr B, have been trying so hard not to. For fear of bad karma. But the thought of never forming opinions of someone based on little hard evidence and lack of interaction ever again scared me so much I broke out into cold sweat screaming, "Don't speak!" in the midst of my sleep.

Therefore I've found a loophole in my rule. I will not judge people based on things they cannot change - race, religion, looks, sexuality and all that shit. I will bitch about everything else.

To put it simply, means if your English sucks and you can do better, then it's a flaw that I can HAHAHA about lah.

The reason that we find you funny and watch your interview with RazorTV a billion times on youtube is because nobody we know speaks that way. The retards at the Speak Good English Movement think we shouldn't laugh at you because they are under the impression that Singaporeans speak like you.

They must've been living under your piece of bigini.

I am tempted to put in a word or two about your leopard prince, zebra prince and khaki grin because I really want to know how they go together, whether their crowns are bigger than yours etc etc, but that would be pushing it.

A friend's friend witnessed you buying a drink. You said, "Auntie, can I have one Coke please," in the most ridiculous I-can-speak-good-English slang, which sounded so contrived that my other friend commented that if you said it to an Uncle he might have thought he was asking for his cock.

I'm not sure when we will stop collapsing into fits of laughter whenever someone goes "BOOMS". I'm not encouraging people to laugh at you though. Seriously. But I'm sure you can take it. Miss Worlds are usually very tough and thick-skinned - which kind of works like a hard armour protecting you from the nonsense of the world. You'll be fine.

After all, you're studying steel.

PS You have some of the most awesome Youtube videos in Singapore history and have gotten Singaporeans to care about Miss World again. For that you deserve to win.

Mr B

Him and Her

Dear him and her,

I know the MRT is very crowded during rush hour, so I'll excuse you two from standing so close to each other. But seriously, you'd think Rihanna was telling you to go "hand in hand, chest to chest and now we're face to face." It's not a club! You don't have to hold each other so tightly that just watching you makes it difficult to breathe. But as I said, it was crowded, you're doing the public a good deed by saving space. So props to you guys on that.

But I can't forgive you guys for hurting my eyes. I told myself not to look but it's like the Miss Singapore World Ris Low's youtube video - it's so horrible you just have to watch it on repeat. (What a fucking waste of time!)

So I couldn't resist looking at the intense Public Display of Affection going on. If you guys looked good, it would have been like a scene straight out of Titanic. The one in the car even.

Erm however it looked like what a pre-sex scene from Shrek would look like.

So take my advice, there's no need to look around and wonder what's wrong and why people are staring at you. Just stop what you're doing and act normal, how any other commuter would. Listen to your ipod, play with your PSP, twiddle your thumbs. It's that simple.

Hope less strangers stare at you on your next train trip.

P/S Save on the Fred Perry, opt for plastic surgery.

Mr B