Nice Gifts

I need a new camera. Gah.

Insecurity and Vulnerability

There's a thin line between insecurity and vulnerability. One tends to get out of control and manifests itself most unattractively. The other is secretly charming. It's a secret because you often have to know the other person well for it to be revealed. Charming because, well, it's like finding out Spiderman is Peter Parker.

It's difficult to tell which is which.

I think I'm insecure when I say stuff to get assurance. I'm insecure when I put other people down. I'm insecure when I refuse to believe that I am enough.

I'm vulnerable sometimes when I'm by myself at night. I'm vulnerable when people show kindness that I do not deserve. I'm vulnerable when I expect too much.

When I'm insecure I act out on people. I force answers out of them, answers that I want to hear. I'm unable to grasp logic. When I'm vulnerable, I'm most logical. I keep to myself and become really contemplative.

So. Part of growing up is dealing with your demons. Granted I think I'm a cheery person, I have no less crazy going inside my head than the average dude. I want to stop fueling my insecurity because most of the time it only offers temporary relief from the things that are bothering me. I will figure out what they are and fix them and maybe then, I can find happiness that comes from within.

Perfection In A Day

I woke up early today to songs playing on my old mp3 player. Made cereal, tweeted a crazy tweet and then went for a run. Came back, showered, still sweating, put on my shirt and went to school for Media Law. Lecture was funny, full of distinctive marks and amusing, intelligent name-dropping. Rushed down to Lentor for tuition and managed to explain some complicated concepts to my tuition kid whose Os are coming in 2 weeks. Then it more work at the Singapore Heart Foundation followed by a hearty, unhealthy dinner at J8 KFC. Spotted my best supporter while my team member was in the toilet. To top it all off, the day ended with a taste of a poison paradise.

Perfection.

Some Birthday Things

Becoming 24

Turning 24. And realising that you've got 24 hours in a day. Only 24 hours. And that life is fragile - time passes by so quickly. Every moment you spend doing nothing when you could've done something, every moment you could've spent sad when you could've been happy... those moments won't come back.

It's with this realisation that I've been trying to make the best of my time, especially since gaining independence from school. You get to choose how you portray yourself, what to make of your time, what to make of your company, where to spend your money, where your alliances lie, what you believe in, what your tastes are. The things that define you. I've been having a great time getting to know myself and growing. I guess I've also found out things that I don't like about myself but I try to change, take a step towards perfection, towards growth and towards maturity.

I've attended more gigs this year than the rest of my life combined, I've appreciated music and movies more than ever. I've spent a greater time dancing and drinking. I've also spent time laughing and teasing my family and friends, the people who validate my existence. I'm glad to grow one year older and become wiser, stronger and most importantly, funnier.

24 years behind me and my 25th year ahead. I want to be more in control of my emotions, but not turn emotionless. I want to smile more and appreciate others. I want the world to LOOK AT ME and think that I'm ALL ABOUT ME but secretly make it all about you.

I've done a good job so far, nothing much to complain about. Had some silly moments, small, regrettable things that I've done but on the whole... I'll just keep kicking ass in life!

So Love

"It don't mean a thing tonight!
If I had you."

Thanks for the awesome celebration. And the love.