AltLife S02E02 - Bimbo

"Your 'O' Levels are in a month! I would appreciate less talking, more doing!"

It is somewhat challenging to sound menacing after a tiring day of school.

"But I'm very stressed! You know, I was at school today for the entire day! From 7:30 to 5!" declared Bobby. I possibly have less hours of lessons a week than he did in a day so I glared at him, speechless.

"So because I'm stressed, I need someone to talk to."

"I'm not here to be your 'someone to talk to'."

"You are! You're like a psychologist! But cheaper!" I glared at him, gritted my teeth and turned away, refusing to entertain any more of his nonsense. He returned to his work and I stared at my toes for two seconds before he tapped my shoulder irritatingly.

"Eh, what's wrong with this!" I took a glance and in two seconds, like a doctor who has been seeing flu patients all day, monotonously diagnosed, "You copied this part wrongly."

"Woah! So disgusting!"

"I'm glad you are disgusted with yourself. And here... where is the MINUS?!"

"Somewhere... somewhere over the rainbow... " he sang, a bit out of tune. I growled and then choked on my own laughter.

"Hahaha! You also find it funny."

"It's not funny. And what is this! Why is this all blank?"

"I dunno how to do so I must leave blank in case I know how to do."

"HAHA now that is funny. If you don't know how to do then you expect halfway through the paper some miracle will happen and you will suddenly know how to do! Okay then what about this? Which part do you need me to explain?"

"Eh I know how to do. It's all careless mistakes."

"You're doing maths... like a blonde bimbo."

AltLife S02E01 - Good Enough

Bobby was distracted and fidgety after getting back his papers for the day. If I'm not wrong he got back E Maths Paper 2 and A Maths Paper 1. And he got 68 marks for both. I wasn't satisfied with the result but it wasn't terrible enough for me to scream till the people on the first floor could hear me.

"She got 20 marks more than me!"

My eyes widened with a look of astonishment and disgust. I got a bit more disgusted as I went through the questions with him because the paper was relatively easy and most of his mistakes were stuff like "3x - 4x = x".

"Where's the minus?" I asked accusingly, like he'd just killed a kitten. He looked away, stared at his phone and shrugged.

On a normal lesson he'd be more engaging. I could tell that he was disappointed so I was comforted by the fact that he knew he could have done better. But it didn't stop me from nagging.

"When you look at these numbers instinctively you know that the answer will be 1 or 7 right? Then you see whichever comes first then you know whether it's positive or negative. It's so easy, so basic how can you possibly get it wrong?!" I was about to launch into my standard tirade of "If you know and you make such mistakes, you might as well not know how to do." but I stopped myself.

Teaching is a tightrope. I've to be encouraging enough to spur them to do better; I've to be harsh enough to get them to work towards it.

"I think my dad will kill me lah if when I show him the paper."

"Yeah, I think so too."

There was silence as I continued flipping through his papers and he continued staring at his phone.

"There was this girl," he started, sounding a tad bitter, "she always gets lower than me in class one! Then right, now she everything also get the same marks as me. Cannot believe it right!"

"You know, I wanted to cancel next Tuesday's tuition. I thought we would possibly vomit and die if we were to see each other 3 days a week."

"Yeah but now cannot already."

"Exactly. Now cannot already! But okay, O levels are still about 5 weeks away. Just practise! Your standard is already there. You just need to stop making these funny mistakes!"

He nodded.

"You'll do well because you deserve it and you're definitely good enough."

AltLife S01E11 - The Oscar Goes To

I was dragging my feet, tired from waking up early for a swim. I finally reached the house, rang the bell and was greeted by a guy shady-looking guy in a cap.

"Hey Bobby."

"Morning," he said, with his eyes still not completely open.

"What's with the cap? You look kuku!"

"My hair looks even more kuku."

Shaking my head, I walked up the stairs, panting from the heat with every step. He raced past me with energy that was unusual for a sleepy person. When I entered the room, he was already seated with the air-con on. He had a ridiculously smug look on his face, as if he'd won a race up the stairs.

Opening his bottle, he took a swig of water as if it was beer. It was then that everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The cap slipped from his hand and onto his thigh. He looked really desperate to pick it up but in that desperation, the bottle cap slipped from his thigh and onto the floor. In his attempt to stop it from reaching the floor, he bent over to catch it. The lucky guy managed to catch the bottle cap but in the process, his other hand holding the bottle tilted at such a ridiculous angle that all the water spilled on the floor.

It was the funniest thing I ever seen. I wanted to laugh but controlled myself, thinking that it would probably have been rather mean. Instead I faced the door and pounded it with my fist, closed my eyes and shook my head at his silliness.

"You know, if the Oscars had awards for best comedy actor, I would totally nominate you."

Snapping out from his shock, Bobby ran out of the room and returned with a cloth to wipe up the mess.

Staring at him in amusement, I had no doubt that he was awake and ready for work.

AltLife S01E10 - Restricted Audience Only

I love logarithms. It's something about solving it 10 steps ahead of everybody else that gives me the thrill of doing it. And so I was patiently teaching Bobby and laughing at him in the process.

"See, it's wrong! You should've done it this way!" I said haughtily as I rushed to scribble the correct answer on the paper.

"Eh, but you're wrong," Bobby protested.

"What rubbish!" I retorted, with a hint of uncertainty. I stared at the question again only to realise that I copied it wrongly.

"The words are too small! How am I supposed to see all the base of the logs when they look like ants," I said in defense, cancelling my writings hurriedly.

"If the words are big then it would take up more pages and the worksheet would be very thick."

"Nonsense ok, they could've done away with all this space and have it printed this big," I bitched, gesturing an inch with my thumb and index finger.

"No cannot! Then the words would be so big and the questions would be jumping out at you like DO ME DO ME DO ME!" shouted Bobby. My eyes widened.

"That sounds damn wrong!," I said, pausing for effect. "Why not you tell your girlfriend that?"

"..."

With a look of disgust and defeat, he continued solving his A Maths questions.

AltLife S01E09 - Stomp's The Shit

"Nobody talks about important stuff nowadays! We have citizens who are interested in rubbish," snarled Justin.

"That's not true! Look at the number of people commenting on that woman who got molested by these Indian guys," commented Rachel, staring at her laptop wide-eyed in amazement.

"Do not tell me you're on Stomp," I said, wide-eyed in disbelief. "It's full of shit!"

"How would you know?" said Justin slyly.

"It's full of shit!" I reiterated, ignoring Justin. "They even reported that some idiots set up a Facebook group for that silly woman."

"I wish my hip bones showed like that," whined Rachel, her boobs bobbing in envy.

"Is there a chance that Singaporeans can comment on something more intellectual, like the bombing of churches in KL?" asked Justin.

"Ooh, those guys really got a handful," exclaimed Rachel. "The video's addictive. I feel sorry for her though."

"She deserved it. I don't know what's the fucking fuss! If she didn't want that she wouldn't be at the party, she wouldn't have drank, she wouldn't have dressed like that," I said agitatedly. I was as disgusted as Justin at the amount of news coverage this was getting, but I was guilty of fueling the number of views on the silly Stomp pages.

"The comments are really boring though. Why don't people help her; she deserves it; nobody deserves such a thing; what are the police doing. These people must have never clubbed before in their lives!" mused Rachel. "The number of comments are dizzying!"

"That's because we don't have ONTD," dismissed Justin. "We have limited people to bitch about and limited avenues for bitching!"

"Speaking of bitches, have you heard about the Kitchen Tigress?"

"OK, I'm bored. There're only so many stupid comments I can read before it becomes non-entertaining," said Rachel as she stood up, stretching.

"These people have no life," said Justin.

"They provide good bitching material though."

"Yes. It's only after reading that you know how many stupid people there are in Singapore."

AltLife S01E08 - Blooper

"Ooh, what's this! It's so cute," gushed Rachel, her boobs bouncing like they were excited Teletubbies. Oh what I am talking about. Teletubbies are always excited.

"It's a USB suction device!" announced the salesgirl.

"Who the hell would use such a thing?" remarked Justin, waving his hand dismissively.

"Well, my student uses this one," I replied, holding up another cutesy device that ran on battery instead. "He tears paper and chops up his eraser just to use this to suck it all up!"

"That's very cute! Is he like primary 3 or something?" gushed Rachel, her ovaries probably taking over her mind.

"Erm nope, he's Sec 4," I whispered, eyes wide open in mock horror.

"Orh then he's not cute already," said Rachel, disappointed.

"Control your maternal instincts, woman!" clucked Justin. As we continued round the store, my handphone rang with an alarming tone.

"It is time to change that ring tone! You're no different from the uncles at that Toa Payoh coffee shop!" snarled Justin.

"It's Bobby."

"Who's Bobby," asked Rachel, her eyebrows arched.

"That student of mine..." I said distractedly, my eyes still going through the message for a second time. "Listen to this! Oh I won't be able to do justice to the smiley faces! Look at this!" Excitedly, they looked over my shoulder.

'Good evening :) how is your day? Got miss me? :) - Bobby.'

"Are you guys...," whispered Rachel, trembling in horror.

"No!"

"You've got to teach him grammar! Isn't it 'how was your day'?" bitched Justin.

I replied, 'You know i'm gonna give you grief for that right?'

"Poor Bobby. Wait is this the same Bobby who broke up with the girl because she had to concentrate on her school work? So is this meant for her?" rambled Justin as his eyes went wide with realisation before squinting accusatory.

"I guess so!"

"Well what's his reply!" asked Rachel.

'Well.... that's a technical problem...sorry:) - Bobby.'

Immediately, I typed, 'Haha you're so dead prepare a good story for me on thurs'.

'I think i will rather cancel tuition...haha... - Bobby.'

"Well that's kind of a low blow don't you think!" laughed Justin.

"Change of tactics! Maybe I will go soft on him. Shit I'm so kaypoh," I muttered.

'Eh eh wa lao cannot like that one la.'

"He's gutsy for a 16 year old! Or maybe you're not fierce enough," commented Rachel. We waited and grumbled about our hunger before my embarrassing SMS ringtone rang so loudly that the salesgirl looked at me.

'Then no stories lor:)haha....very embarrassing leh... - Bobby.'

"I can't wait to teach him on Thursday," I declared, beaming with confidence.

AltLife S01E07 - Money Honey

"What is the four-letter word that's everywhere this season?" asked Justin, smirking like The Joker.

"SALE!" snarled Rachel as her breasts rose to their fullest as she inhaled heavily from the exertion of carrying multiple shopping bags on each hand.

"Another year of retailers laughing their way to the bank!" said Justin.

"I wonder why people fall for it. Buying gifts for people who don't deserve them, receiving gifts they dislike... sounds like the perfect nightmare," I said, while calmly sipping my green tea.

"It's a battlefield! Go back to work bitches! There ain't enough space in the whole of Orchard for the whole country and their kids in strollers to be shopping. Half the population needs to die!" mumbled Rachel as she sunk her body into the couch. She dropped her shopping bags in a circle around her as if she was a Christmas tree.

"Oh, I'm so over this already. I bought presents for about 4 people one and a half months ago. No Christmas crowd. No sales, no crowd," declared Justin smugly.

"School children on holiday. Working people clearing their leave. And worst of all, those with bonuses to spend. I could barely get into Armani Exchange. What economic downturn? Non-existent!" snarled Rachel with the bitterness of an old war veteran.

I remembered a time when Christmas was supposed to bring out the good in people.

“So, how many of these are yours?” asked Justin, feigning innocence.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied Rachel, feigning ignorance.

“I’m guessing the bag from CK contains cuff links for Justin and I. There seems to be an unusual number of bags from Guess and Kate Spade,” I observed. “Surely you bought something for yourself?

“They were whispering to me,” whispered Rachel. “Alright. Only two of the bags are presents. The other eight are mine.”

“And how many countries’ governments would be required to get you out of debt?”

“I maxed out one credit card,” whispered Rachel. Justin and I had our eyes wide open in a look of horror. “My bank account has dipped to never-seen-before lows! This is what credit cards are for! Times of emergency!” said Rachel defiantly.

“The silliest part of Christmas sales is that there will surely be a post-Christmas sale,” said Justin, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not having leftovers! And that’s that!” With that, Rachel stood up and marched into her room with her new conquests.

“Well, thankfully, we had the sanity to stay home,” I said, sipping on my green tea once again.

“IboughtanAgnesBbagfor400bucksyesterday,” confessed Justin.

“What?!”

“I feel bad and I just had to tell someone. Anyway,” said Justin, quickly changing the subject, “Hey Rachel! Gotten laid yet?”

“Shut up!” came a shout from the room.

“Awesome! I’ve got you the perfect Christmas gift!” hollered Justin proudly with a glint in his eyes.

AltLife S01E06 - A Blue Christmas

"Christmas. Next Friday. Plans?" SMS-ed Justin.

"Go bug someone else," I replied.

"I take that as a no," said Justin as he swung the door open without knocking. I gritted my teeth and resisted the temptation to slam the door in his face. Justin, being Justin, strutted to my bed and sat down.

"They should put some fur on you and paint you green! You'd fit the part and win an Oscar," laughed Justin.

Silence.

"It's her, isn't it?" asked Justin, pointing at the photo frame on my table. Without thinking, I grabbed it and put it face-down.

Jasmine. The girl in the photo. Whom I broke up with two months ago. Technically, she broke up with me. Anyway, I spent the last 2 Christmases with her and her family. They were huge fans of Christmas. There would always be a huge tree. Stockings hanging from under the 42" LCD TV. And turkey. And mahjong with her sister and her boyfriend. We had a tradition going on and now, I had to find a new way to spend Christmas.

I preferred not to think about it. Holidays suck because they are iconic. You associate your past experiences with them. The memories are harder to erase. They haunt you every time the festivities comes around. It's when family and loved ones gather and smile cheesily at the camera for no other reason than it's Christmas Day.

Hell, there isn't even snow.

"There's only one place it belongs," commented Justin as he lifted the frame and calmly tossed it into the bin.

"So. What's the plan?" I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Happy Christmas drinks. You know, like Baileys. A lame gift exchange. Singing carols. Falling asleep while watching crappy TV programmes."

"Sounds good to me."

AltLife S01E05 - My Favourite Game

"I told my boss that I had a headache and she immediately told me not to go to work today! Female bosses are the best," declared Justin as he sipped on his red wine. The three of us, Justin, Rachel and I, were sprawled lazily on the deck chairs of Cafe Del Mar.

They are more like deck beds really, but I think my vocabulary stopped growing since I graduated from Primary School. They were cushioned, ridiculously white and smelt faintly of tanning lotion.

"Have you gotten laid yet?" I asked nonchalantly.

"I'm easier than a 5-year-old's homework!" replied Rachel. We stared expectantly at her. "But no, didn't happen. I don't care though. Today's mission is hot-guys-observation," she said flippantly while gently lowering her Carrera sunglasses.

"There's nobody. You can look at us," snickered Justin. In a hurry to flex, he spilled his red wine. The two of us laughed gaily at him. Pouting, he ordered another drink.

"I am sure there will be ang mohs. Or people who just finished work and want to get started on the weekend. Come to momma," Rachel whispered as she adjusted her ample bosom which looked like it was about to escape from the clutches of the red bikini.

"That's an 8!" I shouted, before realising my mistake. With the coordination of Russian synchronised swimmers, the two of them turned in the direction of the creature who just walked in.

"Are you kidding me? If she's an 8 then I'm a 10," snorted Rachel.

"Dude, that's at most," hesitated Justin, "A 6. I'll give her a 6."

"There's no comparison," I argued. "She deserves an 8 based on the fact that she's here in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny..."

"Now that is an 8," gasped Rachel her jaw-dropped and her mouth opened so wide that it invited any man who laid eyes on her to think the dirtiest of thoughts.

"He is a 9. I am an 8. His abs are like... wow," said Justin. The guy in question strutted towards my 8-girl and promptly wrapped his sinewy arms around her. They stared at Sentosa's polluted waters.

"This isn't fucking Phuket," I muttered.

"How is it that he's with her?" stared Rachel, her face twisted in a strange expression of wonder and jealousy.

"They're taken. Therefore, they're 0s," announced Justin.

"True," said Rachel after some thought. Taking a bite of her Greek Salad, she set her sights on the entrance, her body taut in anticipation.

As the afternoon wore on, her anticipation wore off. So did ours.

"3."

"2."

"3."

"Oh my god that's a 5!"

"You're getting excited over a 5?"

"4."

"3. 2. 3. 2. 1," babbled Rachel as a group of overweight, kindly-looking tourists waddled in.

"This is hopeless," I complained.

"Is it okay to give negative numbers?" whined Justin in frustration.

"I know I'm shallower than a children's wading pool," remarked Rachel. Before I could comment on her shitty comparisons, she continued, "But it's not as if I'm looking for anything other than good eye candy! To do more would be flirting. Cheating."

"And there isn't any other way to judge. Let's face it - there are a lot of people. If there isn't hot, steamy, physical attraction, then I see no point in moving on to small talk," reasoned Justin. "Hell I should've just stayed home and trawled Facebook."

"No one's getting me hot but the sun certainly is," I said. "Pool?"

Without another word, we raced each other and jumped into the cool, refreshing water.

AltLife S01E04 - Hoo-Ha

"He does not want to have sex with me!" complained Rachel as slammed her half-empty can of Tiger on the table. I didn't know what to say. And Justin busied himself with providing the can with a coaster.

"Dude, a coaster for a can is just weird!"

"Are you people listening to me?" breathed Rachel menacingly. Her bosom was throbbing angrily in the low-cut red top. I tried to focus, but Justin was the one who managed to get words out of his mouth.

"You've been together for 3 months. He's hot. You're hot. Clearly, something's wrong."

"Do you not think I know? I have never dated without sex for more than 3 weeks. This is ridiculous!"

"You're ridiculous," I countered. "Why are you judging the relationship based whether you getlaid?"

"Is he religious or something?" asked Justin, who was getting quite bored. Talking about sex appealed to him. The lack of sex however, was a more pointless topic than local politics.

"No! I don't know!"

"He believes in sex after marriage?" asked Justin again. He had a lot of questions for someone who wasn't interested.

"People hardly believe in marriage any more. Why would any one believe in... that? You know what just call him and ask," I suggested.

"Now?"

"Save us the agony. Now," said Justin as he tossed Rachel her pink Samsung. Shrugging, she went off into a corner and made her call. Justin finished the rest of the Tiger and started humming Love, Sex and Magic. I thought of how I was teaching for a living and missing out on all the chicks I should be making friends with. Or making love with. Against the hard wooden...

"He promised his mom not to have sex till he was married," whispered Rachel.

"What?"

"Dump his sorry ass!" shouted Justin with great gusto. "We're humans. We have needs. They need to be met." In the most Tyra-like manner he could muster, he continued, "He must go back immediately, pack his belongings and go home."

"She can't dump him because of that!"

"He's great. In every way," whispered Rachel. I felt bad but I actually suspected that she was whispering with every intent of making it as dramatic as possible. I tried to keep a straight face.

"Now you," said Justin, wagging his finger at me, "do not get to give opinions. You would dump a girl if she didn't sleep with you during the first date! And you! Stop being dramatic!"

"But I can't dump him! He's the one!" Tears were welling up in her eyes.

"Listen to me. You guys don't see eye to eye on this and this, is a huge issue. There shouldn't be a big hoo-ha. Everyone should just get theirs. This is just silly." He went over and put an arm around Rachel. "When you're married you worry about other stuff... working out your finances, taking care of family, supporting each other through deaths of loved ones... serious stuff like that. Sex is something you work on and practise and make good before getting married."

"Imagine a troubled marriage and bad sex," I shuddered.

AltLife S01E03 - Comes First

"And so when I went swimming again my coach said I become fat already! Cos last time at least can see a bit abs, then now cannot."

I laughed at the silliness of the comment. I was at Bobby's place, once again, teaching tuition. Or maybe not.

"Yeah lah! Study for exams then become like that. So I asked him to push me like crazy and swim until my whole body ache."

"I became fat studying for exams too. It's bad for health. I've been studying for 12 hours a day everyday for the past 10 days ok!" I proclaimed. Well, I was just lazy and studying was the perfect excuse. I was about to solve the question that he couldn't do on Trigonometry when he interrupted my thoughts.

"I want to be like Rain!" The image of the recent Life! cover sprung to mind. "It's like you get paid to get abs. Everybody wants abs, right! And then like they pay him to get abs! Like the actors in 300."

"Gerard Butler... but he's not that fit now."

"Yeah. People pay you to get abs. I want lor!"

I laughed. Yeah, I was sure at that moment Taylor Lautner was gloating and also, very proud of himself. 17, with a body that'll make any guy at any age jealous and making money from the Twilight franchise. Me? I facebook, faced books, owe the bank money for my University tuition fees, and looked distinctly average.

And here I was, teaching for a living. How unglamorous.

"Aiya, no need to train so hard lah! No girl want you also!" I said, taking a dig at him.

He paused for a moment before replying.

"No girl want me, I want myself."

AltLife S01E02 - Girl, No Girl

"You want to drink water?"

"Yeah, I talk so much. Damn thirsty ok."

I was at Bobby's place, two days before my own exams started. It was a great way to de-stress. I was distracting myself from studying by forcing someone else to study.

"Ok I go get!" With that he lifted his phone and a picture of a girl flashed across the screen. Seeing that there were no messages, he ran down to the first floor.

Curious, I picked up his phone. It was an LG touch-screen phone. I tapped the screen. No response. I pulled some part out, only to reveal the USB port. I pressed every part of the phone but it refused to light up. I could feel it mocking me and I wondered why technology was so cheem these days.

"Haha... I knew you couldn't turn it on!" I was so shocked that I almost dropped the phone. Bobby returned with two cups of... well, there was more ice than water, so it was really watered ice instead of iced water.

He peeled off the cover of the phone and revealed many buttons. Upon pressing the right one, the picture of the girl came on once more. She had long hair covering almost half her face, her head tilted at an angle. If a 15-year-old could give a come hither look, this was it.

"So... you guys together?"

"Nah. Broke up cos her results were bad. I scored better than her for every single subject!"

"So she broke up with you? Aren't you sad?"

"She's in a better class than me! But I got 5th in class. Actually, all my marks are better than her. English, Chinese... "

"So it's kind of like she's got to concentrate on school work lah. Eh, the only reason you did well is because I taught you! And I teach you 2 subjects. It's all my hard work okay!"

"Yah. I think you will get a pay raise."

"Woah really!" Okay, in fact, I was happier than I allowed myself to be. "Well, I deserve it! Haha!"

"Yeah lah! Sure will have one."

I was tempted to ask how much. I was teaching for the money, of course, but I really enjoyed teaching this kid. He amused me to no end.

"Okay, like that I am very motivated to teach you. I will make sure you get higher than everybody in class. In fact, you'll do so well that you will never get back with her!"

AltLife S01E01 - Either Or

And so Rachel and I were on our dreary way home from school. Gossiping. School work was too dreary to talk about.

"Jon. Behind you. The guy in white." she said.

"Well I can't now. It'd be too obvious. Why?"

"Nah, nothing much. He's just my Secondary School friend."

"I wouldn't know him." But I was curious.

"He's really smart," she remarked. So I turned to look.

"What can I say? God is fair."