I Noe Watchu Want, Ya Know Wad I Nid

Being in University has been like the fast forward through life. I've finally got the freedom to do what I want. I've got some sort of financial freedom thanks to my willingness to work for a couple of hours every week. So I've got the chance to experience what I thought I wanted.

I was crazily involved in Hall during the first year. Participating in DND made sure of that and from then on there was no stopping. I was doing things I wanted and tried things I didn't even knew I would. I was running thrice a week, involved in training for water polo and cheerleading. It was a natural high.

Enter the second semester, where I struggled to catch up with everything, and was faced with the prospect of catching up for the stupid F that I managed to get during the first sem. I was still happy, although it became a bit quieter for me in hall. Nonetheless I was enjoying myself, just that there was this small need for solitude creeping up.

The holidays were crazy as I prepared for 2 FOCs. Attending both of them was an unforgettable experience. Being an OGL for both - manic. Working with people from school opened my eyes to my schoolmates, the very people I'd shy away from during the past year in school. It also gave them a chance to know me, with more than 5 or 10 people coming up to me and telling me that they didn't know I existed before.

And so the introduction of the freshies came and went, giving me equal amount of memories that I'd like to keep and forget. Warped, was what it was. Of course, being myself, I was still in a whirlpool of activity that I'd signed up for long ago and without much of a breather, preparation for DND went into overdrive. I alienated people, sometimes purposely, sometimes unknowingly. It was my favourite project though, because of how much I managed to contribute to it. Guiding people and being in a position of experience and knowledge is such a top-of-the-world feeling. At the same time, I joined the CI Club. Admittedly I didn't know what I was getting myself into but what I gained was more than worth the crappiness that came with it.

DNDs came and went, projects piled and got completed. I have never had a more productive semester. Not only was I honoured to be involved in others' work, I treated them like they were my own and the grades that were awarded were more awesome than anything that I could achieve myself.

Being everywhere at once.

This led into the next phase where I became unnaturally withdrawn and fell sick. Sleeping and waking up at all sorts of hours, alcohol trips, lack of exercise and discipline in life caused everything to get more haywired than I was used to.

Exams.

I needed more time alone. I wanted to be away from everything.

I was done with looking good. I was done with being productive. I was done with being visible to others.

I was done.

And so I walked the tightrope, appearing normal whilst battling my demons. My uncertainty. It probably weirded one or two people out, how I could be so enthusiastic, loud and outgoing when they first knew me, but at the same time I was introverted. I confused myself.

And so, I'm at where I am now. Only that I feel older, like I've been through a lot.

I know what I don't want.

But I'm still trying to find what I want.