I was prepared to put in my effort and lots of hard work, but I wasn't prepared for the fact that there would be people going against me. I was so upset when I heard the negative feedback and I wasn't strong enough. I let it get to me. There was a point of time that I wanted to just quit. But it isn't in my character to take the easy way out or do something halfway.
Perseverance is a word in my name.
What I was doing was a job. It required my attention. On the surface it might seem glamorous with all the mingling and making new friends, or the adoration but who actually looks at the other stuff that we've to do in that short amount of time? Being made available and accountable for all sorts of needs at all sorts of times during the camp. It's a responsibility.
I put myself in this position because I've not really had the chance to lead before and so I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn. I did put my heart and soul, so who are you to judge and worse yet, talk behind my back?
What's wrong with being encouraging or for speaking up for me? Am I not worth that? It was a role that I took on, shoes that I tried hard to fill. Trying to live up to expectations and doing the best you can to be someone that's up there instead of a miserable low-life who's happy stagnating, easily satisfied? But what's the word that people use?
Fake.
I was crushed when I heard that. I panicked. I wanted to turn back time. I looked at what I'd done and tried to see what went wrong. I was scared to take a step front. I was speaking in a British accent for the entire night and said the word "fuck" more than 50 times during the last camp, but everyone was entertained, everyone laughed, everyone had fun. Was that me? Or was I being fake? I didn't even do any of that this time. Why am I being judged so harshly by people whom I thought knew me? Why? Have I just burned all my bridges just because I wanted to even to be successful? Why, at the very least, was I not recognised for the amount of effort that I put in, for doing things that people didn't want to do?
I don't regret doing the things I did, if you want me to improve come tell it to my face. Tell me that you acknowledge the fact that I did try my best but there were somethings that could've been better. Tell me the things that I've done wrong.
It's been so emotional both times. I feel drained. But hey, it's over.
Thank you Eric and Yixiang for telling me that I was a great OGL. I know I wasn't fantastic or anything like that, but hearing it from you guys means a lot to me, especially when no one else was telling me anything like that. Chi Kwan, I really meant what I wrote - I have that much respect for you and I wouldn't have made it till the end without your guidance. I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough. Thank you for letting me learn from you.
To the people I haven't thanked the last time round... the seniors of WKWSCI who made our FOC possible. Thank you for being so fucking encouraging. Thank you for being there when I was crying like a miserable wretch. Thank you for giving me support. Thank you for telling me that my effort was worth it. Thank you all for making me feel more valuable than a billionaire's trust fund. To the maincomm and OGLS... thank you for "advertising" me, hyping me up, pushing me, giving me such a big role to fill and backing me up all the way. All the fucking way. Without you all I am nothing.
The people I've worked so hard for - the freshies. Every single one from you from Ravioli and Halphas. That's close to 50 people. It's impossible for everyone of you to like me but most of you know of the effort that I've put in for both your camps. I think it's asking too much to believe that we'll be friends for life. But from the bottom of my heart I just want to thank you. Thank you for noticing the effort I've put in, the big and small things I've done and the emotions, blood, sweat and tears I've poured in to make your camp a memorable one. I hope that I've given you at least one or two memories to last you for life.
To those who did and still do, thank you for believing in me.
1 comment:
awww jason, i think you were an awesome OGL! and you can't please everyone, there'll be bound to be people who aren't satisfied with what you do. what matters is that you know you were totally being yourself, having fun in the process. i was an OGL and clan head in ac's orientation and yeah, it wasn't easy cos when you're put in a prominent position to reach out to people, people will talk about you, sometimes, not very nice stuff. what's important is that you put your all into it, and you did. ((:
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