Working On It

Too many distractions, too little thought, too little time.

3 more classes. 1 more project. 1 more presentation. 3 more exams.

4 years of school, I'm finally graduating. No more whining, about silly things like why NTU is so far. It's just that so far, I can't decide whether I'm prepared for the working world, where it's more cut-throat and competitive. And I'm not competitive, sometimes maybe even a little stiff, when it comes down to work.

A friend commented that I'm very happy-go-lucky. Yes, that's exactly what I am, I realised. That I have the ben qian so I just do whatever makes me happy and that I don't take things seriously. I don't know what I want and time is running out because I can't say "I don't know" forever.

How accurate. This is my problem.

That and building castles in the sky. Putting in a lot of effort into creating a fairy tale. When it flops I have nothing to fall back on.

So maybe it's time to play a little less and work a little more.

HTC Desire

It's like I've been locked in the storeroom for the longest time and now I'm finally out and seeing the light for the first time!

Maybe it wasn't the time to get a smart phone two years ago, but two years later, I've got from early adopter to laggard. Or maybe I wasn't even early adopter to begin with!

It's gorgeous and shapely, this phone. It's black and sleek. I'm still trying to get used to it though. But it is a mighty nice phone. I haven't been this happy to acquire a material possession since... I can't remember!

Now I've finally gotten a phone, with a plan. I plan to rule the world with this phone. It's everything that I've ever desired! But first maybe I'll buy it some clothes so it won't catch a cold and maybe a mask to protect its handsome face.

It's not the drugs talking. I wish I was having some. A little lack of sleep. And a whole lot of FYP.

5 more days baby.

To A Beautiful Day

It sounds very nice to struggle. Ooh, I worked really hard for this. I put in a lot of time and effort for that. Against the odds, I conquered this and I achieved that. I'm brilliant because I didn't give up. I'm determined and it got me this far! And so glorious it is to finally be where I am.

But some things are sweet because they're easy. Like how being yourself makes your friends happy. Like doing things because you have the freedom to. Like listening to music you like. Like smiling. Like not doing anything. Like dreaming. Like doing something you're good at. Like eating nice dessert.

I think I'm beginning to find that for some things, there's no need to try so hard. If it's out of reach, maybe it's not meant to be. If it doesn't feel good, maybe it's not right. If you can't get it, you don't need it.

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now

First Extraction

I was waiting nervously until my friend sms-ed me three scenarios for me to fantasize during the tooth extraction.

It was the strangest experience. I've never been under anesthesia before. I've heard of the long needles and the funny feeling of your teeth being removed, but you aren't able to really feel it. I was really apprehensive, but it went smoothly. I spent the next couple of hours with gauze in my mouth. (Of course, I changed it a few times!)

I took the gauze out to have dinner and it was the most wonderful sensation! The tooth that I have always detested seeing in the mirror, the tooth that I've always been so conscious about, on the left of the roof of my mouth, was gone! Every time I opened my mouth wider, or tilted my head higher, I was so uncomfortable that people would see that tooth, that it would be caught on camera. It happened a few times before and every time I saw it, I would cringe.

And now it's gone!

All bad things must be like this offensive tooth - extracted.

Lifestyle Change

There are those lifestyle changes that are exciting. Starting something new - a new job, getting a new house, a new car, a new University, a new friend, a new hobby.

Then there are lifestyle changes that are painful but necessary. Losing a loved one, coping with sickness, dealing with a broken-heart...

Breathe.

A new chapter, a new life, a new start. This is where those painful and necessary changes can lead. To independence, to happiness, to maturity.

Just that they are difficult. It takes baby steps. I need to remember to breathe, instead of holding my breath and hoping too hard that the pain will go away. There's this bitter taste in my mouth now. Combined a little with this feeling of being stabbed. And having to deal with it. And not knowing how to.

How do you deal with loss? When does it start to feel better?

Who can I stab to make it feel better?

It's really out-of-character for me. Feeling like this. Blogging like this. And I've been out-of-character.

Click that switch, make everything alright. I gave a good fight.

Breathe.

And look forward.