Will Not Waver

6 more posts to my 1000th post on blogspot. I've got about 640 posts on Opendiary, and I've written there since I was in Lower Secondary. More on the significance of all that when I've reached that 1000th post.

The more I study about film, the more I realise that it parallels real life. Drama is based on real life anyway, but when it's on screen it seems even more real than real. From that moment we are in the theatre we believe what we see. Or the TV for that matter.

I feel like I'm in the thick of drama and it has never stopped. Instead it sped up, especially after it spiralled out of control from the beginning of Year 2. Like the study of every good character, I'm trying to see the patterns of my mistakes, why I do what I do... There's a pattern and therefore there are some general causes make me react the way I do - rejecting people, wanting to be alone, indulge in TV serials and search for the truth in my head.

These are just obstacles in the way of me becoming who I want to be. I see a difference in the way I do things. There is change. The central character is thwarted but it will only make him more motivated. His determination will not waver.

These are tough messy times. Wants and needs. Others' wants and needs. Selfishness. Selflessness. Human beings are complex creatures. Sometimes having beliefs and traits that clash with each other, that I struggle to understand.

Bullish CNY

This CNY

I prayed as is customary for us to do so when it's CNY. I wished for peace and good health and contentment. I've realised as far as this goes, I only do it once a year, so it would be frivolous to waste it on really unimportant things.

Yes, nothing less than world peace.

Oh but I forgot to ask for triple winnings in mahjong as well. Oh man. Shoot! Well I'm sure it'd be compensated in some other way... =)

Happy Niu Year!

The Reader

The Reader was a hell of a movie to kick off my cinematic adventures for 2009. A riveting storyline combined with masterful performances by Ralph Fiennes, Kate Winslet and David Kross made this movie a thoroughly thrilling experience and well-worth it's $39 ticket price ($22 cab, $7 night rider, $10 ticket).

It's got universal themes like truth and love, but more importantly literacy and morality. Various questions popped into my mind throughout the movie. It made me think of the things I took for granted like peace and the ability to read. I really applaud Kross for his bravery as well as Winslet's incredible screen presence.

The one thing that I really appreciated the most was their honesty in their portrayal of the characters. They made it look easy, obviously because of how much effort they've put into bringing them to life. The performances were stellar. Every frame on them portrayed mixed, layered emotions. The script was successful in its economical dialogue and also because of how much was being shown when there wasn't any talking.

My favourite moments and they were quite a few but for the sake of fairness I'll name one from each of the leads - Kross when he was displaying faith, honesty and innocence one feels with first love, Winslet's eyes spoks volumes when her character decided with great determination to learn how to read and Fiennes devotion to creating the tapes in reminiscence of the past.

I held my breath at various parts of the movie, covered my face in others and yet in other scenes, heard a couple of sobs in the cinema. I could relate to how they felt and their decisions to the situations that I, they, faced, which made me think of my own.

A small bit of trivia - Sydney Pollack was a producer of the movie and he passed away last year, before the completion of the movie. Incidentally he directed Tootsie in 1982, a film which I'm studying now for one of my film modules. The man's done great work. I think I'll look up the other stuff he's made and watch them some time.

Rating: 5/5

Reminder to Self

When you've got no money start living like you're poor.

I Just Want To Lead A Simple Life

They say that in the army
The girls are very nice
You ask for Britney Spears
They give you Lao Char Bor

"Go and collect it from the post office arh!"

"What... aiyah never mind one la!"

"What never mind. It's from the government one leh. Deliver to our house then no one at home so you must go and take ok? After that ten days then they will deliver back to the sender."

"Ah nah, ah nah. What the hell is this shit. Must be one of those silly magazine things or notices. How sian. Liddat also must go and collect. Sian lar."

--

"You now at home why don't want to take!"

"Okay lar I go take now. I going to swim already. Before swim I go take okay?"

"Yah quickly!"

--

I stood at the post office like an idiot in queue and when I reached the counter, the lady told me very politely, and in the process making me feel like a right retard, that the counter for collection was the last one in the row. Making my way to the queue again, I wondered if the good weather would hold up for my long-awaited swim.

I got my letter relatively quickly and the words "On Government Service" and other very telling signs didn't seem very telling at all as I carelessly tore the sides holding the letter together.

"You CPL KHOR YING HENG NRIC are required under Section 14 of the Enlistment Act, Cap 93 to report for service at 07:30 hrs on 8/07/2009 at Seletar Camp for the purpose of ANNUAL ICT..."

I could feel the blood literally drain from my face.

KKNBCCB!!!

I hate complaining. I enjoy swearing but I don't mean it. But this time I couldn't help it. Swear words littered complaints that I lambasted to an imaginery nemesis inside my head.

14 days of my life. 2 weeks worth of tuition (they would never be able to pay me that much!). But 2 weeks of freedom and doing things that I don't want to do and the worst part... the worst part is there'd be some idiots I wish I wouldn't have to see for the rest of my life and I'd have to see them! There! Them! The best part of course is to see them fall from past glory. Slower, fatter, uglier.

Eh what if I miss hall FOC? I, the Chief Pageant Coordinator, am supposed to select and interview people for pageant! I will be hopping mad.

Okay I think I'll be missing school FOC instead. Which will make me bloody mad because I will miss HC.

ARGH!!!

I feel that there's this humungous rain cloud clouding up my heart and this painful reluctance to accept reality. When I was in there, compared to everyone else, I was less affected about not being around, more resigned to fate that it's something that has to be done. Now it's just... painful.

To do it all over again.

Magic

We live to find the magic in life. We move on when it lessens, we search for it where more will be. Without something special to push on for, to become somebody, diminishes.

However often I remind myself that it is we who makes us who we are and we live for nothing but ourselves, I find myself thinking and wanting more. Just like a character in movies, motivated to get achieve his goals.

It's true that situations can be intense, uncontrollable, but at the same time, just like any good drama, humans are the vehicles of change. They must be motivated to change their situation to go through that transformation arc, to find themselves different from a new experience. The stakes have got to be higher and higher for the entire thing to have an impact, to see a difference.

You've got to really want it. And most importantly.

You've got to seek it.

Because just like mundane dramas aren't worth watching, a mundane life isn't worth living.

4 Songs

The Ting Tings - Great DJ

Nothing but the local DJ
Said, he had some songs to play
What went down from his fooling around
Gave hope and a brand new day

The Streets - When You Wasn't Famous

You learn dances, do promo, cameras flashing, get in the van, an' zoom away
I wake up high, dizzed feel hung over and sorry for my doomed day

Franz Ferdinand - Ulysses

Well I found a new way
I found a new way
C’mon doll and use me
I don’t need your sympathy

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

So let me drown
Down here right now
Bitter laughter all around
Wait

There is no sound.

Time To Say Goodbye

No band, no table...

I saw it coming. The tribe has spoken.

It's time to move on.

More Wee Chill

Rather than seek
Happiness that never seems to come
I'd rather
Hold on to happiness
That is fleeting

That it almost seemed
That it was never really there

I don't need a new year
I don't need a new beginning

I need to self-destruct
And start over again

Hope you see my Halo

Wee Chill

Just One Chance

I don't know where to start. I'm not in the mood to write something fantastic.
Perhaps just honest.

This week we had 3 volleyball matches. This team was tight. We didn't always perform the best we could but I always felt the chemistry and teamwork and encouragement that went around when we were playing. I felt the pressure to do well but it was coming entirely from myself and not anyone else in the team.

It's also my first time playing as a setter. It an awesome feeling and it was really refreshing and challenging to play out of my comfort zone.

Of the three matches, we won 1 (by walkover so that's 15-0, 15-0 HSS). We would've really liked to play that one because we were really psyched up for it but the last one that we played is etched in my memory as the best game I've ever played. We went from 0-7 to a deuce. 14-14.

But we lost that one. It was a real pity.

It's a great way to kickstart the new semester, heck, the new year! Playing with this great bunch of guys is memorable. The dynamics was really different from last year and I think it worked really well.

I'm super grateful (I think a scroll through this blog will dig up quite a few of these kinds of posts) to everyone in the team. Edwin, Wei Yang, See Keng, Teh Ping, Derek and Joel. Playing was just such a rush.

I've got 2 more years to play for CS. Urgh! 2 more. Only.

I'll make the most of it.

Gratitude

I really don't know where to begin, other than it's 3:14 AM and I'm really exhausted and I hope that all of you are in bed. Yes, you, especially you with the morning lectures.

Edwin and I are really incredibly grateful to all of you who stayed with us till the very end. Don't make me name names I'm so tired I might miss out some people. Okay like what the hell alright: Liz, Zed, Pedro, Candy, Suffi... anyone else? Thanks to Jayne for DJ-ing for us for quite some time and also Sean who had to care for other drunk people and thus made a move. Also I must say that when I did the deco with you guys for Homecoming (putting up the cloth and all that) it was probably the time that I felt closest to you guys - like we had some great internal teamwork thingy going on.

(The ability to type this after many beers is in itself awesome so don't judge the content.)

Anyway back to the point, I was just very impressed with all you guys and your commitment has earned my respect. I'm sorry I haven't been around much for quite a bit of stuff (textbook sales, carrying cartons of beer etc) but it's because the 3-day school week doesn't leave me very free to be around from Mon-Wed. As always if there's anything that you think I can help with just ask I'll be glad to help if I can make it.

Yes I feel indebted. Haha...

Anyway good job guys, once again THANK YOU ALL for playing your part in making it a (resounding is subjective lar but people enjoyed themselves so it is thus a) success. =) Really appreciate it.

Oh yeah and thank you two nutcases as well. My party people.

Xin Fang Ke

Apprehensively, I stepped into the room.

It was unfamiliar. New. Curiosity begged me to stay but I was never a fan of the strange. The smells, the sights, the space... how would I even know if it suit my taste? Maybe it's just a phase to be looking around for something different. I expected a breath of fresh air but instinctively I told myself not to be optimistic.

Fear gained momentum inside. I was an intruder. It's a place where I shouldn't be.

I searched frantically for the the exit.

But logic told me to calm down. There was nothing to be frightened of, nothing really. After awhile, somehow, the room calmed me down. It made me smile. Then it made me laugh. It was a silly, light-hearted kind of laughter. Idiotic even.

I stood there, motionless, for the longest time.

People are like rooms in our heads. A place where we store our interactions, emotions, expectations, character traits... A room full of of the most luxurious furniture. A room empty, stripped and bare. A warm room, a cold room, a room of nightmares or a room full of pleasant dreams.

We enter and exit the lives of those around us all the time - a conscious and unconscious choice.

Good vibes and chemistry are hard to come by. I think I'll be visiting this room for a long time to come.

if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

Last Call

Hot and Cold

Jac's right. This blog needs less angsty.

Too Thin

4th fucking semester and I'm still stuck with the same problem: I'm spreading myself out too thin over too many things to be completed within... too short a time.

I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

It's time to say no to everything.

Dirrty Rich

If happiness is riches then I'm feeling filthy today. Filthy rich.

I also have a filthy shirt which I wore to volleyball training laying in the corner. I was only there for about an hour or two and I had the craziest workout, running all over the court and being the setter - a position that up till now has been alien to me. It was nerve-wrecking and exhilarating at the same time.

I was happy. Happy like a dog chasing a bone. Nothing was on my mind because nothing was more important than keeping the ball up in the air. That intense concentration and clarity of mind is hard to come by.

I relish every moment of it.

I'm "half bucket of water" in everything I do. Usually when I start something, I'll try my best to finish it. That's how I got my Grade 8 in piano - sheer hard work. I'm not really talented in anything, at least not that I know of. I don't play the piano any more. With volleyball, I knew I loved it a lot, but I never knew I'd take it this far, that I'd still be playing it now.

Of course it wouldn't have been possible without all the fantastic people who came down, organised it and set up everything. Teh peng, Karyn, See Keng, Wei Yang, Christine and Pedro.

Especially to Ruiqi and Edwin. It still strikes me as inexplicably, unbelievably coincidental that we play volleyball.

And I guess it's just another one of those things that makes 'us' more magical.