Life Moves Fast

Listening to the moans of a dying old woman is scary.
It's perhaps one of the greatest forms of torture.
Because the pain it inflicts is indescribable,
Especially if it comes from one you know and love.

It makes you scared of the future.
It teaches you to make the most of what you have now.
It warns you to take good care of your health.
It insists that you cherish what you have.
Because when Death comes a-knocking,
No amount of fear or regret will be able to ward it away.

I don't want to miss out on the things that make me happy.
I don't want to live a life without accomplishments.
I don't want to know how I'd be like when I'm 70.
I don't want to wait till it's too late.

Perhaps I need to learn how strike a balance between living for now,
And taking care of the future.
But all that clouds my mind now is the endless pain and suffering,
Of my grandmother on the hospital bed.

I had this dream last night about someone accusing my sister of stealing a bike. And instead of being my usual self, I was hurling vulgarities at the person and giving her the middle finger. First of all, it made me realise how much I valued my sister. We were talking a bit just before sleeping, one of the few conversations we shared ever since I entered the army. Then there's the very obvious message that hit me - I spend too much time bottling up my feelings. There's been countless times during the past month that I want to shout "You fucking cheebye!" at someone, but managed to keep it under control and play it cool. I don't want things to spiral out of hand. However I guess I failed to realise that sometimes that making your pain heard is also a solution - just that I don't have the guts to use it.

I've always believe in peace and being nice so much that I know people take advantage of me a little. Of course, I'm okay with that, as long as I know that the person would do the same thing for me in return. That's the only thing that would save me from breaking down. I think in life, we should always be experimental and try what works for us, and it also leads down the path of self-discovery. The army is where you get to see many different personalities at work and then get to choose who you want to be in the face of all the interaction.

I guess I could live with who I am, because I value morals, but I'm not exactly the most popular person because I'm not the PR machine, or the funny guy, or the one who takes everything lightly. However, if someone needs help (seriously, as in he's doing something and he needs help, not I-can't-be-bothered-so-I-need-help) I would never turn them down. But it makes me fucking judgemental - afterall, who am I to say which of them need help and who doesn't? Yet the energy I have is not infinite, I need to choose who I give it to.

I guess I need to learn not to hate those who play the game of life using means that I don't agree with.

I have no initiative when getting to know people, or interacting with them. Instead I choose to first observe their behavior and judge if they are worth knowing. I believe in paying back (many times) if people have done something good for me, or take the initiative when I'm down or by myself to come talk to me. I'm a passive person. I'll admit to that.

I guess I'll conclude by saying that I can't wait to ORD. I need to start afresh. But the people who've made a difference in my life, I won't ever forget. I need to move on, but I'm always being dragged down by being where I don't want to be. I want to live my life, because I see that everyone's got limited sand in their hourglass, and you don't know when it'll run out.

I just want to be happy.